I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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