it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
