dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
