everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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