FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
