you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
