so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
