Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
