So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
