I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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