I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
