Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
