Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
