i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
