I cannot find my penis.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
