Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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