as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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