i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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