I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
