I think scott just propositioned me for sex
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
