I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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