I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
