It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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