so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
