we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
