what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
