I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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