apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
