I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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