she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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