Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
