i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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