no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
