Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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