I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
