and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
