note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im holly from the hills drunk
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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