Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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