Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
