Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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