I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
