It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
