Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
