i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
