in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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