I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
