I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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