so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
