me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
