see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
