I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
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A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize