i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
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There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
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My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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