Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
