I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
where am i from again
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You pole danced in your parka.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
