I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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